advocacy

work. what a concept.

i started out last monday on a mission--to make it through a full week of work.

monday--check

tuesday--check

wednesday--err, emm...nope. wednesday morning found me in bed in a foul foul foul mood. thursday and friday were no better and by sunday i was in a full blown freak out. it really is quite incredible how quickly these moods of mine can settle down for a hefty meal and just as quickly leave without paying the check.

the headaches are no better and i cannot get in to see my doc until 11/24. did see the psyc last week (thursday) and we added in some more ambien since i'm not sleeping and we upped the lamictal again (turns out there's a 25mg i can add...it's $10 more a month, but so, so worth it).

so, until today, i'd been sleeping in and watching hours of dvds. all of which made me wonder last night--is this what i did during the period in 06/07 when i wasn't working full-time? did i simply sleep and watch tv? i consulted a journal from 2006 which showed a good deal of depression, but also a pretty full load of theatre work. tonight i will look at 2007 for hopeful insight. entries for august 2007 will be pretty much all hospitalization related and i started working in the library again shortly thereafter, so i need to look earlier in the year (which also won't count because i was working in the theatre in the spring). sigh. Naaman cannot recall what I do when like this--probably because, unlike me, he actually goes to work.

but today...i am at work. and i am somewhat motivated to go to the gym...right after i VOTE.

well, that's three cancelled jury days this month...lending credence to my hypothesis that i would be cancelled the first three days and then assigned a 6-month murder trial. my "condition" does not mean i can just send in a dr's note prior to jury selection as i'm not currently in a facility of any kind. however, it will probably severely limit my ability to serve as a juror (the lawyers like to kick us crazies out). never mind the fact that my attendance record here at the library has been spotty at best since august and the $30/day they give you for serving doesn't cover the bills i'm already not paying. oh, but there is the allure of that validated parking pass...

on sunday we went down another 25mg of lamictal (mood stabilizer) to 200mg--it had been planned for a while, it's just that the meds hadn't been delivered yet. they just don't make a dose of 225 and 250 was too much. so far i've been okay. skipped work monday and tuesday b/c of that new england sized headache that doesn't seem to go away. the farthest back i can remember them (the headaches) is fall of 2007.  i remember having them in the hospital and not being able to watch a movie with the group. if they were consistently in the same space of my brain, i would have more cause for concern. as it is, i think i just need to talk to my doctor. we don't think it's the meds (since they're constantly changing). if i didn't loathe my neurologist so much i'd just make an appointment. but, damn him and his freakishly large hands, i'm going to wait.

i was finally released from the hand surgeon's care with instructions for home PT. it's been hurting more since i've been doing them and the wrist still catches and pops in the middle of a roll, but i'm no longer wearing the splint. (i also got the alignment in my car fixed--38% off--which is definitely helpful in the wrist vs. steering wheel fight)

off the zoloft completely.

tired and weepy and headache the size of new england that has been plaguing me for i don't know how long.

i am scheduled for jury duty every monday in october. there's a number you can call on Sunday nights to see if you've been cancelled and, luckily for me, i was cancelled yesterday. which is very very good considering my phone died in the middle of the night and so my alarm never went off. i woke up at 11...for the second day in a row. i'd had a rough week last week, a decent friday and so i decided (stupidly) to attend a women's progressive dinner on saturday night. i'm not, in general, a fan of women--it's mainly their tendency against transparency and the decibel level they maintain while doing it. by the time we got to the dessert house my carpool friend and i ditched to go to coldstone. in the previous two homes i found a semi-quiet space to be by myself and took a xanax. sunday morning i was toast. as a former professor of mine used to say--i was "crispy."

so...i'm at work today with maine somewhere in the temporal lobe. i forgot my lunch, so i'm starving and i think i'll just leave early even though i got here late. like the Mayor in season 3 of Buffy, even shredding doesn't take the edge off...

once more with feeling

adding in the zoloft lifted my mood somewhat (i was actually feeling a bit expansive on Sunday), but i've been having debilitating headaches since i started taking it. my psyc called me back (after three days) this morning at 8--i was running late to work and hadn't taken my meds yet, so was able to start the new mix today. so...for the next couple of days i'll take the zoloft (only a starter dose of 25mg) every other day and stop completely on saturday. i don't know what this will bring emotionally, but i already have a scheduled appt on thursday with the psyc.

in the past four weeks i've been to work exactly four times. i find myself very fortunate to have such an understanding boss and a flexible job that allows me to go AWOL.

i have counseling this afternoon and will watch tv with friends tonight. hoping for a nap to take the edge off of this headache.